Indubitably Dubious

i need to start posting more regularly, i keep forgetting i have this.

anyway, i’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (why isn’t that surprising), and there’s so much happening in my life. at the same time, nothing is happening either. you see, i’ve been feeling rather restless lately. it feels like something is missing from my life.

is it a meaningful goal in life? a girl to love? a career-oriented lifestyle? independence? what is it?? i don’t know. i can’t place it.

i’ve lost most of my appetite, and yet i’ve upped my workout routine, which doesn’t help my fatigue at the end of the day. i find myself more cynical towards the world, untrusting of anyone (including friends at times), and overall complacent with everything in my life. oddly enough, i’m also heavily motivated to succeed. i’m working harder than ever at my job. i’m actively working towards stabilizing myself in life. i’ve never been so focused in my life as i am right now, and yet i feel floaty.

these conflicting emotions are doing a number on my psyche. i used to be clever, fast on my feet, and quick-witted. however, now, i’m pretty dim, losing my memory slowly, and finding myself aching at the end of the day. what is going on??!

i’ve tried to define my personality, to shape it to who i think i am. obviously, who i truly am sometimes conflicts with who i want to be or who i think i am. there are times i wonder what happened to the rules i used to live by, what happened to the innocence i used to have, the modest me. i guess that mostly disappears when you’ve experienced how raw and rough this world can be.

anyway, to define myself, i’ve looked at a variety of sources. everything from religion to philosophy to ancient stargazing. i’ve never really believed in the knowledge of the stars, but the accuracy i’ve come across has got my interest piqued.

religiously speaking, i’m a person who is a very giving person, who believes in fate, who understands that there are lessons in every hardship and joy, and that, if you trust god, that should be enough to appease the hedonistic heart that i have.

philosophically speaking, i’m the type of person who works hard, who makes his own destiny, who knows that life is full of shit and one needs to have a strong will and thick skin to get through successfully, and that happiness is achieved by working hard.

however, the problem i’m not exclusively either of those descriptions. i’m neither fully religious nor philosophical. so, i started to study and read up on astrology. now, i’m not the type of person who reads the horoscopes daily and attributes any coinciding events to it. despite my firm belief in fate, i do not look to the horoscopes for any sort of advice or advice. anyway, before i digress, i began to study the gemini personality. being one, i wanted to see what history had to say about me.

astrology.com had this, and i’m summarizing in bullet points:

• we love to talk
• we love to collect information to share later with loved ones
• we love to develop relationships with people
• we are intellectually inclined as well as have a “surplus of imagination waiting to be tapped”.. exact words from the site.
• we are a mix of yin and yang, so we see both the practical and emotional side of an issue. we just don’t know when which ability comes out.
• because of not knowing which side, practical or emotional, comes out, we’re considering fickle and restless
• because of our ability to change our mood based on a whim, we’re considered flexible and adaptable, although it also leads to us not following through with our interests.

that’s pretty accurate, i’d say. now, i know spewing out a summarized bullet list from one site isn’t good research, but this is what practically every site says. it almost scares me at how well it defines me.

in any case, i wasn’t done. i then went to the chinese zodiac. now, that’s an interesting culture. i’ve always been fascinated with it, the calm, the serenity, and the innate peaceful beauty it possesses.

within the chinese zodiac, i am an ox. wood ox to be exact. yes, go ahead, let’s make the “that’s why you’re always so horny” jokes now…

the ox is known for dependability, strength, and determination. the ox also judges harshly based on its very high standards. the ox favors long-term relationships as opposed to quick acquaintances.

yet another spot-on description.

anyway, what does it mean?

it means that the type of life i seek is of stability and happiness, money is not a factor. the type of woman i seek is one who supports and respects me and can keep up with my zany personality. the type of career i want is one that helps people and, at the same time, challenges me intellectually.

i have yet to meet all of these goals, but i’m working on it.

and this has gotten very, very long… (that’s what she said)…. however, if you read it, kudos to you and thank you.

with that, ladies and gents, i bid you adieu until the next time.

Khula Hai Saara Aasmah…

i listen to a lot of music. it’s mostly deep lyrical, thumping rock, but lately, i find myself going towards a mixture of rock, hip hop, and rap. the booming beats sync with my heartbeats, the lyrics stick in my head and bring up memories and hopes and dreams, and the rhythm makes me feel alive.

my brain automatically attaches sentimental emotions to various songs. it associates memories (both good and bad) to certain songs and, if i ever hear them, the memories come back full force.

with this annoying subconscious trend over which i can’t find any control, it’s sometimes hard to let things go and move forward in life.

but that’s a personal battle that only i can partake in.

when i have foreign obstacles holding me back from achieving my goals, from finding happiness in life, from succeeding in all parts of my life… well, those foreign obstacles can be pruned.

i will not let anything or anyone hold me back from achieving my goals and happiness in life.

let me make something very clear…

i’m at a point in my life where i’m becoming the person i will be for the rest of my life, and i don’t need people bringing me down just because they can’t seem to find the good things in their life. i’m not obligated to deal with foreign problems that will only negatively impact me.

i am an inherently happy person and i try to surround myself with the same.

so, if my incessantly positive attitude is getting to you, if you find my constant excitement over the smallest things annoying, either stop being a little bitch or gtfo.

Another Round Please

“what soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals” – proverb

this is a very true statement..

some people change when they’re drunk. the nice guy may turn into a jackass. the douchebag may become a sweetheart. the quiet innocent girl may jump on the nearest guy. the big guy may end up sulking in the corner.

alcohol pretty much unleashes the urges we’ve held back.

when i first started drinking, i was always worried i’d become an emotional sap, crying and breaking down. considering i have emo tendencies, it was an actual fear i had.

thankfully, i’m not the type of person who changes a lot. in fact, when i’m very drunk, i become a happier guy. i make lots of jokes, i laugh boisterously, i get friendlier, and, if there are cute, attractive girls around, i will improve my “game” and become more confidence (almost to a fault sometimes haha).

the point i’m trying to make is that i’m realizing what kind of a person i am. i’m an inherently joyful person. i like smiling and seeing smiles. happiness and peace is what i’m all about basically. when i’m drunk, that’s what happens to those around me. they laugh. they smile.

despite the few points of sadness i have inside, i let them go and just enjoy the moment. i am a very carefree person, and love just going with the flow and making the most of my experiences.

what about you? how do you get when you’re drunk?

Such A Sap…

listening to matt nathanson’s curve of the earth…

it mellows out me out.

i also watched this youtube video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0&

the joy that is on everyone’s faces almost brings tears to my eyes. gasp, a guy going weepy over a wedding video??!

how could it be?

first off, i am not afraid of expressing my emotions, nor am i going to deny them. i have my guy moments (getting wasted and ogling ladies, playing video games till i pass out, steak and potatoes, having pissing contests with the boys) and i also have emotions. every human being has them. if you deny them, you’re killing a part of yourself. no joke.

in any case, back to the video..

the entrance isn’t something i’m used to in a wedding. i mean, i’ve been part of and choreographed dance numbers for my cousins’ weddings, but not with the bride and groom also partaking in the dancing. that is a major taboo in my culture’s weddings. so, seeing something like this breaking the norm is not only fresh, but also awesome. i really want to experience that kind of joy in future relationship(s) as well as on my big day. not only that, sharing that happiness with all of your close friends, enough so that they’ll dance at your wedding.. that’s just too precious and rare for me. i seriously want that exuberant joy. life would be extremely less stressful and painful if everyone experienced that at least once in their life.

i once experienced this high, and i was on top of the world. it was when i was in love. no joke.

i was thinking about this a few days ago, trying to figure out what i’m looking for now. i mean, i do check out girls and even hit on them. but what i’m looking for isn’t random hook ups. i’m looking to get to know someone.

i admit, i do love the chase, but i’d rather get something meaningful out of it. granted, randomly hooking up is fun, but it still leaves me wanting more.

in any case, the video was awesome. i want my wedding to be like that, full of joy and happiness.

This Sucks

if you really love someone, do you let them go and trust fate to bring them back? or do you risk yourself and go fight to win them back?

what if they already have someone in their life?

…sigh.

i’m fucked.

Everything You Want

so, my baby sister filled out the paperwork for her marriage to her fiance yesterday.

and she’s starting college soon…

it makes me feel all responsible-y and what-not.

but it also reminded me of deeper feelings. i also want to get married someday. i am looking forward to falling in love again. i am, however, very wary of trusting someone and becoming vulnerable enough to let them in my heart. it’s only a natural response to my last break up.

i know i still talk about her and that is indicative of how much i’m past her (or lack thereof). i simply talk about her, not because i have strong feelings for her or anything like that (the feelings are dwindling down very rapidly), i just enjoyed being in a relationship.

i miss that.

to have someone to call, to tell them i love them, that i was thinking about them today. i would like to have that again. i know, with time, i will have it. it’s just that i was used to it for almost 3 years, and now it’s been almost 5 months without it. i’m slowly getting used to being on my own.

regardless of how many awesome and amazing close friends i have (and i do have a few, i love you guys!), i am still alone. i have myself to depend on. i am trying to support myself. obviously, i am not selfish. in fact, if you ask my friends, i am selfless to a fault. being too giving has gotten me in trouble, and it’s why i’m still not completely over my last relationship.

i keep asking myself if i need a girl right now, whether or not i should chase this one or that one. and i get one resounding answer in my mind and that’s to chill out.

granted i’ve had my moments where i capitalized on select opportunities that lay in front of me, but that’s just me experimenting and trying new things. being the ever-curious one, i am learning to not be hesitant to new experiences.

i come across many couples, i see them holding hands, cuddling in the park, sharing inside jokes, simply enjoying each other’s company, and that’s what i want again. i want to feel the rush of the first kiss again, the awkward butterflies of the first moment of intimacy, that love-struck look of longing in her eyes, the “i will never understand him but still love him” smile, and waking up in the morning, with the sun shining in through the window, illuminating her and taking my breath away.

that’s what i want.

and i can’t get that with an arranged marriage, or being set up by my mom, or hooking up with random girls.

that can only happen when you fall in love.

Onwards And Upwards!

so i’m off to get heavily drunk tonight.

and i’m treating myself to a new xbox because my old one broke, as mentioned in my previoust post.

and this upcoming week, i’ll get a major update on what’s going on with my full time job position. if i don’t get it, i may have a possible solution with my current internship. if it does go through, it’s still awesome.

either way, i am more than likely to move out within a month or two… and that, ladies and gentlemen, is something that puts a big smile on my face.

good times are ahead. will you excuse me while i embrace them?…

an excerpt from a song that caught my eye and now i’ve grown attached to it:

I know that I will always miss
The butterflies of our first kiss
And how you use to smile so easily

i really hope she sees this.

Emptying It All Out

good lord, it’s been a while.

so, what’s new?

i’m single now. happy about it too. although there are moments where i miss her, they are getting few and less frequent. the sadness and anger is still there though. the pain is mostly where the feelings that you have invested aren’t being reciprocated. i went through hell to be with her, i think my biggest mistake was investing way too much way too early. i know i have no right to feel this way, but i feel betrayed. i am repulsed at the way she handled it, as i’m also disgusted by my own reaction to it. i’m not perfect, by no means. however, i can only justify myself, and considering what i have gone through, the fact that i didn’t flip the shit is a big thing. and the worst part is that i didn’t just lose a girlfriend, i lost my best friend. i lost the one person i was most open with, who understood me the best, and wasn’t afraid of telling me like it is. when someone that big of a part in your life decides not to be a part of it, there’s nothing you can do but accept it and move on like an adult. the only consolation i have is that i don’t *need* a significant other to move on. i am secure enough with myself to be happy by myself.

on to happier thoughts…

my xbox died. cheery no? i have to send it in to get it fixed, but that means at least 3-6 weeks of no halo. to be honest, i miss halo, but not as much as i used to. not for the fact that i love beating the living donkey nuts out of online punks, but because i feel like i’m losing my crew and becoming the lone wolf of spartan ownage. so, the incentive to get it fixed is drastically reduced. these days, i play metal gear solid 4 on my brother’s ps3. i’m realizing that i love being the single, lone supersoldier. it just makes things easier and there’s no reason to hold back for others. there’s less baggage.

moving on…

i’m trying to be more social and meet more new people. i think i’ve never met so many new people in such a short time. i think it has to be with being single again haha. i’m enjoying this detachment from accountability from a significant other. i was basically bound to someone for the last 3 years. with this new found freedom, if you will, i am simply enjoying stretching my legs and running through the fields.

there’s one thing i haven’t really done since i got back from my vacation and that’s really get drunk and i hope to change that this next weekend.

speaking of my vacation, now that was a doozy…

there were dreams shattered, new ones made, romances, violence, killings, and the obligatory cricket matches that gave hope to everyone. the biggest thing was i found out my uncle, who i was really close to, passed away 4 months ago. it crushed me, hit me harder than i thought, and it still gets to me.

i love you, khalid mamoo, and i’ll always miss you.

sigh.

in other news, i watched the new transformers movie. absolutely amazing movie. i know everyone gave it bad reviews and all that. i don’t know why…

i’m not going to sugar coat that it was a michael bay movie or a toy-based movie. the movie had a good-versus-evil feeling. it had a romance that really tugged at my heart. it had sad moments that almost pushed me to tears. it had powerful kickass scenes, where the only way to react was to cheer for the hero. i’ve watched it twice, once on imax and once on a regular theater, and loved it both times. i wouldn’t mind watching it again either.

also, i’ve heard a lot of people bitch and complain about how it was a hard movie to watch on imax and that it wasn’t worth the ticket price. i feel like bitchslapping these people. an imax camera was used in the movie, meaning it was meant for the imax. it was recorded for an imax sound system. imax requires higher seating to view it all. when i did go to watch it, i wasn’t even able to get center seating, and yet i still enjoyed it.

some people will never be happy.

which reminds me…

anyone who attempts to embarrass me publicly, maliciously or otherwise, will not get my sympathy or my attention. i have had too much drama in the last few months, and i don’t need shit from people. i am building myself up again and bashing me senselessly will not go well. also, i’m much more cynical and ruthless in laying out the truth. i understand people better. just because i don’t call you out on your stupid weak, lame-ass shit, doesn’t mean i don’t see it. i just choose to take the higher road and let you deal with it.

my list of trusted people has recently been shortened. my criteria for trust has been pushed to the limit and i don’t take kindly to pointless shit and drama.

with those angry issues aside…

i’m going to start writing more now. i have a lot of “stuff” to let out and writing is the best medium. i’ve done enough talking. i’m taking physical action to improve myself and my situation. and now what’s left is to purge my inner self.

every person has many aspects to them. there’s the physical, mental, emotional, health, wealth, spiritual/religious, and maturity. i’m working out again and eating healthy to improve my physical state. mentally, i’m keeping a positive attitude by putting myself in positive situations and removing the negative ones. i still need to do some work emotionally, but that needs more time than attention. i’m cutting back on bad, comfort foods and actually making an active effort to eat and drink healthier to improve my health. working hard and trying to find a job is not only improving my financial situation but my overall morale as well. spiritually and religiously, i’m a little weak, but i’m looking to god for support, guidance, and some peace. finally, i will always will be a kid at heart, but i’m learning to deal with people and situations as an adult. i have to, considering i’m 24 now. it apparently shows through and many people have commented on it.

overall, if you don’t care for yourself, who will? right now, i’m looking out for myself. i had been looking out for her for the past 3-4 years and it drained me. now, with me only on the list, i’m feeling better.

life has been shit, but there’s no way to go except up.

and the best part has been my friends. i honestly love them. without them, i’d be broken completely. i have a short list of close friends, but they have been there for me, through thick and thin, and i can’t imagine what i’d do without them.

and with that, i’m going to end it for now. i’ll try to keep up with the updates. i am pretty busy, but i’ll do my best.

Friendly Fire?

many people close to me don’t feel as if i’m right or even thinking maturely. they believe i’m naive and waiting for another mistake to happen, to get hurt again. they are only looking out for me, so i’m not bashing them or anything.

what i am saying, however, is that they only know one side of my story. they only what i’ve told them. they are obviously not getting the unbiased side, and so they will advise based on the information they are given, which is tainted. so, when i do take advice from them, i take it with a grain of salt.

because, even though they only want what’s best for me, they don’t necessarily have all the information to decide what is best for me right now. for example, i’ve been naive and irrationally hopeful, but i think it’s the fighter in me, the optimist, that is willing to risk another setback in order to make sure what he believes in is true. not everything is black and white, nor does everything comply with what is traditional or even conventional.

some things make their own rules.

and those involved in those “things” don’t follow the rules that are common. they, instead, follow their heart, what they believe is right for them, and fight through what is possibly an uphill battle.

the reward in the end is beautiful. when you put in so much work, the final product is not only glorious, it is also heartwarmingly close to you. when a man restores a classic car, it becomes his baby. when a woman nurtures a business from nothing to a full-fledged powerhouse in its industry, it becomes her baby. when a child builds a complex design with his lego toys, he will hold on to it and not break it because it becomes his baby.

the more emotion, time, and effort put into anything, work, hobby, love, the more it hurts to let go and that’s why they want to make sure they’ve given it their all before they admit to its end.

so, in essence, this is going out to all friends who know someone who doesn’t seem to listen to their advice, before judging them, just realize that, although that friend is not following your advice, they are listening to it and only doing what they think is best.

if it hurts them again, then it’s destined for them to be hurt again, in order to grow. if it doesn’t hurt and they succeed in achieving their goal, then that’s fate too.

there’s far too much misery in this world to get mad at one’s friends over something that insignificant. friendship is a beautiful thing, don’t blotch it with resentment.

i love my friends with all of my heart, but, with most things, i don’t follow blindly. i will question it to death, to figure out if it applies to me or if it’s best for me. i am, nonetheless, eternally grateful for my friends. they are the best. my crew, my peeps, my boys and girls, i wouldn’t be here without them and their unwavering support. i thank you.

Admitting A Problem Is The First Step

i don’t know how to say it, but here goes…

i have a problem. i am addicted to halo and it is costing me valuable time and energy that could be spent on my loved ones. it is also affecting them and that is breaking my heart.

i have decided to lessen my time with halo and try to reconnect with my loved one.

halo needs supervision and time allotment, not human relationships.

that is all.

wish me luck.